I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
