I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
