Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
