I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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