dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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