How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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