R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
