His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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