I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
there is glitter all over my balls
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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