i would punch a child for taco bell
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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