I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
