my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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