I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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