May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
