Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
