Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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