You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
