I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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