Apparently you make a good broom.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
