My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
