Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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