i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
pop tarts are not kleenex
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
