im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
