First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
