Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
