a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
