So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
