I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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