Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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