New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
