No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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