The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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