Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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