Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
