my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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