I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
