I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Drunk is a universal language darling
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
