I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
