I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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