my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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