the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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