actually, I'm a sock model
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
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I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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