I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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