Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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