i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
