why didn't you poke me back
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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