I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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