if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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