thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
