Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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