there's paper in my vomit.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Randomize
