I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
