someone get that fucking seahorse.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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