Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
