May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
