I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
