woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
