so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
