Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
love makes seman taste better
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
