Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Randomize
