The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
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